Cultivating Better Conversations

Post #3 in a series describing core topics in ProSocial Training

This is the third post in a series discussing some of the concepts we explore in the courses offered at ProSocial World. In this post, I will share some of the ideas behind Module 2 of Becoming ProSocial, which focuses on improving the quality of your relationships through more prosocial conversations.

Have you ever wondered what makes some conversations flow effortlessly while others spiral into misunderstanding? The secret might lie not in what we say, but in the awareness we bring to our inner experience as we communicate.

Think of your inner experience as five flowing streams of behaviour, each carrying vital information that shapes how you show up in conversations:

1. Attending - What are you actually noticing in this moment? Like a camera lens, your attention captures specific details while missing others. In a heated discussion, are you focused on the other person's angry tone, or the worry in their eyes?

2. Feeling - What emotions are moving through you? What bodily sensations are motivating action? Beneath the surface of every conversation flows a river of feelings - perhaps excitement, fear, frustration, or hope. These emotions and bodily sensations color everything we say and hear.

3. Thinking - What story are you telling yourself? Your mind is constantly making sense of situations, creating narratives that can either open or close doors to understanding. "They're attacking me" versus "They're sharing something important to them" leads to very different conversations.

4. Selfing - Who are you being in this moment? Like actors on a stage, we shift between different versions of ourselves - the professional, the parent, the peacemaker, the defender. Understanding which "self" we're embodying can transform how we communicate.

5. Valuing - What matters most to you right now? Every conversation touches on things we care about - respect, understanding, efficiency, harmony. When we're clear about our values, we can speak from what truly matters.

These streams don't flow in isolation - they merge and influence each other in a continuous dance. What you attend to affects how you feel, which shapes what you think, which influences your sense of self and what you most care about in a conversation. Understanding this dance is the key to more meaningful conversations.

Imagine entering your next challenging conversation with this awareness. Instead of being caught in automatic reactions, you can pause and notice: "I'm focusing on their criticism (attending), feeling angry and a little frightened (feeling), thinking of all the ways I am right and they are wrong (thinking), unconsciously protecting a sense of myself as the expert (selfing), and acting as if what I most value is winning and preserving my reputation (valuing)."

But what if I attended to what they are actually saying, started thinking about the sense they are making of the situation and let myself identify as a learner rather than the expert? What if I let myself feel compassion and curiosity? And what if I aligned with my deeper valuing of connection and learning? Creating clear awareness in each of these streams of inner experience can shift the entire dynamic of the conversation.

In our Becoming ProSocial course, we place this approach to creating more prosocial conversations in the context of building more effective leadership in complex systems. We will look at practical ways you can develop the skills to bring this awareness to conversations, and we explore the systemic principles you will need to create groups that are aligned on purpose, shared power and action.

The world needs more people skilled in prosocial conversations - people who can bridge divides, build understanding, and foster cooperation. Understanding these five streams of inner experience is your first step toward becoming one of those people.

Are you ready to explore what's possible when you bring this deeper awareness to your conversations? Consider signing up the next offering of Becoming ProSocial or Leading ProSocial by ProSocial World.